SEPRAHNO, NY - The First Settlement Church of New England has appointed its first openly mob-connected priest, in a move widely seen as one-ups-manship. The press release from the church says in part, "The Reverend Luka Nievole is a respected member of the community and represents forward thinking in the eyes of the parishioners. It was an offer we couldn’t refuse."

The "offer" spoken of in the release is the unprecedented request by Nievole to be priest of the church he has attended for the past 15 years with his wife and other members of the family. The opportunity opened up shortly after the request was made when the current priest offered his resignation.

"I felt, that is, I believed that it was in my best interests, or rather, that it was simply time for me to move on," said Timothy O’Neil, the former head of the church. His resignation followed a closed-door meeting between himself, the Overseer of New York, and representatives of Nievole.

"I feel like I bring things to the table," Father Nievole said, "like, I don’t think this tithing thing is really working out. Fifteen percent might be a better number. I think it’s really going to benefit the congregation if they give more. Or at least, I can certainly see how they might not be benefited by refusing." He also discussed a community outreach program, which would involve sending parishioners to local businesses to collect donations from them.

"I think it’s great," said Dave Utley, who has attended the church for 5 years. "I like Luka, he’s been very good to me."

When asked about his mob-connections, his lawyer quickly stepped forward and stated, "Mr. Nievole has, excuse me, Father Nievole has no knowledge of any ‘mob’. He has a large extended family in the area and he is happy that they can all live and work together to the enrichment of the community."

"Yeah," said Nievole, "that."
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