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Heated Debate To Name Ohio's Official State Protozoan
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COLUMBUS, Ohio - The normally subdued and professional Ohio State Legislature nearly came to fisticuffs Friday evening. As representative Jimmy Stewart put it, "We were all at the end of a very long day. Most of us hold a strong opinion on the subject, and well, things were said. Mistakes were made." Stewart led the majority opinion in supporting the amoebae for recognition as the state's official protozoan, while the minority opinion vehemently defended the radiolarian.

Representative Steve Reinhard agreed that the discussion had "more fire that it deserved, from both sides," but went on to say that, "anyone that won't acknowledge the plucky radiolarian's place in Ohio's history and culture show themselves to be dimwitted pin-heads."

Neither classification of protozoa actually refers to a specific organism. Both are categories or groups, differentiated primarily by their means of locomotion. The amoebae moves through its environment by constantly reshaping its body to effectively swim. The radiolarian's locomotion is dependant on its pseudopodia, jutting out from its body in all directions, serving as paddles to move it about and allow it to capture food. "The very name -- pseudopodia -- should tell you something about the creature you're dealing with," explained Stewart, "Here's a creature with 'pseudo' arms and legs. Too good for real legs? Too dumb? What's the story? We don't know. Now contrast that with the honest amoebae. The choice is clear."

"Actually, the amoebae sickens 15,000 Ohioans a year," countered Reinhard, "While the non-violent radiolarian sickens no one. Whoever heard of 'radiolarian dysentery'?"

The Protozoan vote will be held Monday, barring a last-minute filibuster.
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