WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to quell the rising ire of the American public over his failure to perform his duties in the Air National Guard during the Vietnam War, President Bush has reached a tentative agreement with the Defense Department to let him serve an amount of time equivalent to the alleged gaps in his record. "The President in no way is admitting guilt in regard to the charges that he failed to perform his duties in 1971 and 72," explained White House spokesman Scott McClellan, "He is simply trying to put to rest any claims that he was ever unwilling to serve his country." Terms of the deal allow the President to count the time he spent flying a fighter toward the USS Abraham Lincoln in 2003 toward his quota.

"The President approached us and asked if there was some way we could make this 'go away'." -- General Amos Armstrong

"Mr. Bush enjoyed the privilege of his position and his family's position in the 1970's," shouted John Kerry to a crowd of steel workers in Ohio, "And now he's again being afforded special privileges! I wish I could have spent my time overseas for a few weekends a year, or a joy-ride in a fighter, but I couldn't. When my country called me, and asked me to get shot or otherwise wounded three times, I said, 'Bring it on!'"

"The President approached us and asked if there was some way we could make this 'go away'," explained General Amos Armstrong, "And I told him the only way to make it go away was to serve the time. I was trying to instill some sense of duty in the man, make him sit back and consider himself. I was not, it should be noted, suggesting an actual course of action. However, after his team made an offer, we consulted our legal department and concluded that we had no choice but to make an exception. Of course, he is the Commander-in-Chief, so it was unlikely his request wasn't going to be rubber-stamped by somebody."

Barring national crisis, Mr. Bush will begin serving time toward his goal of 120 hours this weekend.
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