WASHINGTON, D.C. - The President yesterday offered his proposal for fixing social security, alleviating the country's growing energy burden, and promoting health among the elderly. "Project 'Soylent Gray' will revolutionate (sic) the way we look at health and energy," President Bush announced during the prime time press conference, "Ours will be the first country in the world to begin to tap renewable human resources. By placing a simple treadmill or stationary bike in our elderly citizens' homes to use at their leisure, we will be simultanily (sic) generating over one third of our country's energy needs. Projections show that the savings to the Social Security program will more than cover any projected deficit." The announcement was received with some skepticism by those present.

"It's slavery, pure and simple." -- Congressman Bob Sadler

"I'm thirty-two and I never use my bike," said one man, when told of the President's plan, "I can't see some old codger jumping on one every day, whether he was donating to the grid or not." Others were more optimistic. Maryann Jennings, part-time interior decorator, commented, "I think it's a great idea. I'll try to get my mom to sign up. Everybody tells her she needs to drop a few pounds, and this way we'll save on our electric bill, too!"

Physical fitness expert Richard Simmons spoke highly of the plan. "This is a nation of fat, tired people paying too much for gas and electricity," he said, "So it only makes sense to attack one problem while solving another. I might even release a 'Sweatin' for the Volties' video to encourage the lovely oldsters."

"It's slavery, pure and simple." That was the response of congressman Bob Sadler. "The President presented his plan to the public as if it were all voluntary. What he doesn't tell you and what my sources have told me is that the president intends to pay social security benefits only to those that supply a certain quota of energy each month. No workout, no generated power, no benefits. Does that sound like a program that promotes health to you?" White House spokesman Scott McClellan refused to comment further on the plan, saying only, "The President knows his plan better than I do, and he has already described it to you."

The plan still needs to be approved by Congress, where it faces stiff opposition from AARP-friendly factions. "Nobody's putting my grandmother in a hamster wheel to power their big screen TV," said Senator L. Thomas Horton, "If the President thinks he can hoodwink a large and growing number of people into solving his energy problems, he's got another think coming."
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