Many of our previous articles are on mediums that are incompatible with the current technologies. Our cave paintings, vellum and papyrus works, and anything we've doodled on cocktail napkins are currently being digitized and will be brought online as soon as possible. Meanwhile, please enjoy these more recently archived items.

• Ball Tragedy Injures Few, Kills None
• Iraqis Reject New Constitution in Favor of Pat Buchanan
• Toyota Recalling Prius to Remove 'Easter Eggs'
• Americans Unfazed by Tom DeLay Indictment
• Smokers Lighting Up More in Light of New Study
• North Korea Pledges to "Drop Nukes"
• 10 Out of 10 Did Not Receive Free Laptop
• Dead Jehovah's Witnesses Rise, Decry Current Watchtower Legal Tactics
• Environmental Group Seeks to Save Saturn's Rings
• Bush Nominates Oral Roberts as Chief Justice
• Talladega Superspeedway to Eliminate Restrictor Plates, Introduce Speed Bumps
• California Calls for Warning Labels on Apples, Bananas
• Minor Quake Destroys Prized Etch-a-Sketch Works
• Pat Robertson: "Kill 'Em All, Let God Sort 'Em Out"
• Bush Supports Saddam's Desire to Be "Sacrificed"
• God Raises Temperature of Hell Fifty Degrees
• 12 Injured in Rush for Free Apple Pens
• NASA Engineers Suggest Keeping Shuttle, Scrapping Fuel Tank
• Source of Massive Dust Cloud Not Sahara Desert, Hollywood Agent Admits
• Schwarzenegger Agrees To 'Let Himself Go' To Avoid Conflict
• BP Begins Limited Marketing of "Bassoline"
• Images Reveal Mountain of Keys, Socks on Mars
• Bush Proposes 'Soylent Gray' Combined Energy/Social Security Program
• War Talks Have Broken Down Between India and Pakistan
• Procrastinators Club Prepares to View Solar Eclipse
• Catholic Church Considers Appointing Jewish Pope
• "Idiots Drink Us, So Should You" Snapple Campaign Cancelled
• U.N. Ambassador Named Supermodel
• Supreme Court Rules on Ten Commandments 'Kid Boiling' Prohibition
• NASA Launches Crippled Shuttle To Test Repair Kits
• Iran Concerned That 'Attack Not On U.S. Agenda'
• Dragon Models: "We Do Not Negotiate With Terrorists"
• Microsoft Offers Emergency Security Patch for Its Free Security Program
• Homeland Security Warns of Potential Tripod Attacks
• Coast Guard to Use Boys to Boost Security
• Woman Pays $50,000 for 'Cloned' Cat
• Teens More Willing to Lie to Researchers About Their Smoking/Drug Use
• US Cancels Iraq Debt, Predatory Lenders Move In
• Bin Laden Releases Christmas Recording
• "Smart" Missile Defense System Test Refuses to Launch
• Concorde, Continental File Suit Against Anglican Church
• Black Market Warns of Colorado Cigarette Shortage
• ISS De-Orbit Imminent if Occupants Don't Slim Down
• Worker with Jewish Calendar Not Jewish
• Amazon.com Outages Traced to Soda Spilled on Keyboard
• Jehovah's Witnesses Divided Over Kwanzaa Celebration
• Reindeer Ban Causes Severe Splenda Shortage
• Dover Math Teachers Required to Offer 'Alternative Value' for Pi
• Everybody Resigns From Everything
• Injecting Deadly, Deadly Poison Unwise, Doctors Say
• Ukraine Demands Investigation of Recent U.S. Election
• NBA, Artest Blames NHL for Pacers-Pistons Brawl
• E-Books Blamed for Global Warming Increase
• Anti-Drug Abuse Pill Becomes Drug of Choice in Appalachia
• SBC to Cut 99.99% of Workforce
• Nader Takes the White House!
• Complaining Non-Voters to Face Heavy Fines
• Reagan's Face in Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Tells Woman "Vote Republican"
• Nuke Agency Removes "How-To" Guides Amid Terror Fears
• Thompson Offers Advice to Stretch Flu Vaccine Supply
• Tropical Storm Denied Upgrade To Hurricane 'Disappointed'
• Flat Earth Society calls SpaceShipOne Flight "Fraud"
• California to Require Auxiliary Pedal Power System by 2008
• Sex Study Claims Supplements Don't Work, Overpriced
• Cat Stevens Accused of Terrorism over "The First Cut is the Deepest"
• Bentinel Welcomes 7lb, 1oz Staff Member
• Microsoft Issues Security Patch For Windows 2015
• Cat Feces Offered As Potential Super-Fuel
• Man Still Fat, Lazy, After Purchasing 'Rayma' Bracelet
• Korean Mushroom Cloud Was Nuclear Test, Says Kim Jong Il
• Nader's "Anyone but Bush or Kerry" Campaign Gaining Popularity
• Bush Agrees to Serve in Air National Guard
• Pamela Anderson Protests NASA's 'Wanton Destruction of the Scorpion'
• NASA Combats Global Warming, Begins Dismantling Sun
• Al-Douri Not in Custody, Guernsey's Mark Dorey Held in Iraq
• Franks Pins Breakup of Pangea on Democrats
• Doctors Coax Man's Body to Grow New Brain
• Schwarzenegger Accidentally Orders Destruction of State Park
• BBC Boldly Determines to "Air Good Shows"
• 'Crwth for Truth' Concert Probed for Violations
• Ayatollah/al-Sadr Peace Deal Collapses; 'He's a Whack-O'
• Minim Magazine Reports Lackluster Sales
• Fast Food Choices Overwhelming Youngsters, Psychology Study Warns
• BikeWraps.com to File for Bankruptcy Protection
• Senior 'Drug Bus' Raid Nets 40 Arrests
• Food Pyramid Critics Favor Switch to Triskaidecagon
• Hamm's Signs Beer-Guzzling Bear as New Mascot
• Krispy Kreme Founder Admitted, "I Never Could Spell"
• Microsoft Secretly Developing American 'Windows-Lite' Code-Named 'Shoehorn'
• Heroin Chic Replaced by Low-Carb Elitism
• 'McEnroe' a Hit with 65-80 Jewish Female NASCAR Fans
• Fed Raises Bush Popularity a Quarter-Point
• Al-Sadr Begins Negotiations for His Death at Coalition Hands
• Rash of Toe-Licking Sweeping The Netherlands
• GOP Denies Keyes is a 'Throwaway'
• Microsoft Touts New 6-8-6 Haiku Format
• American Pizza Chef Team Eats Italy's Lunch
• 88% of Americans Abnormal, Says Government Study
• Terror Alert Level Raised for Left-Handed Fishmongers in Maine
• Disease Rises with Increased Optical Mouse Usage
• Final Verdict On Bryant Rape Case Nearly Posted To Jury Foreman's Blog
• Muslim Charity Supports 'Hummus', Not 'Hamas'
• Law Enforcement Terminology Explained
• Nike Pulling Sponsorship of Illegal Stimulant
• 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos' in 2008 Olympics
• West Nile Virus More Deadly than Meteors, Magnets
• Bill Gates Makes Offer for United Kingdom
• U.S. to Tap Reserve of 'Ordinary Forces'
• Studios Begin Filming, Stockpiling Sit-com's Under Federal Grant
• White House Painted Pink by Gay Marriage Activists
• Disneyland Replaces Lines with 'Beat to a Seat' Program
• eBay Suspends Bald Eagle Parts Auction
• Weintraub: "I Don't Know Nothin' About No Mafia"
• Hawking Determines Some Information Escapes from Black Holes
• Intel Profits Fall Despite Faster Chips
• Bush to Delay Election for Up to 24 Months
• Marion Jones Defeated By Centenarian
• OSHA Institutes Tough New Cockle Picking Regulations
• Critics Find "Day After Tomorrow" Unscientific, But "Spiderman 2" Rocks
• Winston LC: Low-Carb Cigarette
• Republican Party Apologizes for Premature Gephardt Mudslinging
• Parents, Others, Think Cough Syrup Study Misses the Point
• Kerry Taps Cheney as Running Mate
• Jaded Public Not Impressed with Cassini's Saturn Pics
• Clerical Error Sends 30,000 Marine Biologists to Iraq
• God Fires back Over "Failed Evolution" Claims
• Construction Worker Finds Sensitivity Training Ineffective
• Highest Court Protects Porn Purveyors, "Good Kids wouldn't Look at that Stuff Anyway"
• Iraqi Insurgents Cry Foul Over Early Handover
• Man Determines Things He Doesn't Already Know Are "Stupid Anyway"
• Nader May Drop Presidential Bid after Double Disappointment
• "Rest in Peat" - Sympathy Cards for Plants to Revive Gibson Greetings
• Bob the Builder, Wendy, to Wed
• Al-Qaeda Considers Discontinuing Use of Term "Safe-House"
• Congress Approves Discount Gas Cards for Seniors, Juniors
• Rutan "Disappointed" after Civilian Space Ship Explodes over Mojave
• AP: Kerry Took Money From Arrested Korean
• Texas State Lottery Jackpot Now at "Infinity Plus One"
• Survey: 5 Out of 6 Robots Would Refuse to Fly Shuttle
• Hindsight "20/30, as high as 20/20", Finds 9/11 Panel
• European Voters "Just Messing With" Parliament
• GM Offering "Free" Cars
• Cap’n Crunch Assaulted By Evil Twin Brother
• Britney Spears Facing Fraud Charges, True Age Revealed
• Parents Group Slams Mattel's "Imaginary Friend"
• Venus Williams Transits The Sun
• Greenpeace Dumps Blue Whale on Tour Boat Dock
• Harry Potter 5 A "Dark Comedy"
• Bin Laden to Take al-Qaeda Public with 2005 IPO
• Tidmarsh to Represent the U.S. in 'Spelling Wasp'
• 'A.K.A. Houdini' Exhibit Reveals The Late Magician's Secret
• Iraqi Government's Make-Up Criticized By Fab Five
• New Rock Discovered On Mars
• "It's Only 100 Dollars!" Chain A Hit In Beverly Hills
• Coalition To Distribute English-Arabic Dictionaries
• Statue Of David Clean, Still 'Dirty', Says Group
• Kerry: "There'd Be No Flooding On My Watch"
• Husband Finds Grape Jelly To Be Inadequate Sweetener
• Y2K Software Fix Licenses Expiring
• Ford Ponies Up A New Concept Hybrid Vehicle
• School Enforces Its "Sub-Zero Tolerance" Policy
• They ARE Out To Get You, Study Reveals
• Greenspan Finds His "Decision Coin" Is Two-Headed
• China Determines Moon Is "Very, Very Far Away"
• 'Barbie Drug' Has Promise, Side Effects
• RoboCup Tainted By Illicit Poppy Seed Oil Allegations
• Bush Applauds Gandhi's "Easy To Pronounce Name"
• Calf-Lifting Club Finds "Cows Are Much Heavier"
• The Bentinel "Loses Out" At The 2004 EPpy Awards
• Royal Venusian Scout Craft Pursued By Primitive Earth Vehicles
• Doctor Tells Jessica Simpson She's Going To Die
• Guantanamo Detainees Complain Of Humane, Dignified Treatment
• Union Leaders Angered Over Firearms Ban
• ID10T Worm Sweeping The Internet
• Low Crab Diets "Ineffective", "Dangerous"
• Bin Laden: Good At Terrorism, Bad At Math
• Pakistan Breaks Up Plot To Extinguish The Sun
• NBA Denies Involvement In Sasser Worm
• Saddam Critiques Iraqi Prisoner Abuse; "Not Bad, Not Great"
• Dangers Of Second-Hand Smoked Turkey Revealed
• Kerry Camp Concerned Over "Curse Of Gore"
• Helium Leak On Russian Craft Reveals National Secret
• Sony Counters ClearPlay With Its "Happy Endings" DVD Player
• Mark Baese - The Bentinel's Pick For Greatest Canadian
• Tense Fallujah Standoff Lightened With Mentos
• RAND: Coast Guard Should Acquire Killer Robots
• National Zoo's Ape Facility Ordered Shut
• NASA Admits Bad Placement Of Breaker Box On ISS
• All Badda Group Demands Equal Air Time With Al-Qaeda
• Ancient Hole Unearthed In Ohio
• Saint Kitts-Nevis Withdraws Its Troop From Iraq
• Congressman Carries Gun On Plane, Apologizes, Flies On
• China Launches Swarm Of NanoSats
• White House Decries Spate Of Scowling Condi Photos
• Motorola Fills A Niche With Rotary Cell Phones
• Martin "Deeply Hurt" That Truce Not Offered To Canada
• FDA Bans Home Cryogenics Kit
• Nine Women Make A Baby In One Month
• Declassified Video Reveals Aqualad's al-Qaeda Warning
• Rutan Loses Rocket License Over Natural Law Violation
• Video Game For Surgeons Tragically Backfires
• Kindergarten Class-Action Suit Brought Against Merriam-Webster
• Attempts Made To Protest IQ Bill
• Wal-Mart Troops Meeting Resistance In Inglewood
• HP Unveils Punched Card To MP3 Ripper
• "People Aren't Jobless, They're Clueless," Says Bush
• Man Frozen In Place By His Own Cool
• Area Mann: "Leave Me Alone!"
• Sales Rush Expected After Passage Of Ohio's Concealed Sherry Law
• Ex-Nigerian Banker In Legal, Financial No-Man's Land
• Seat-Back Air Disaster Narrowly Avoided
• Reality Show "Trading Faces" Debuts Friday
• Modeling Agency Seeks Overweight Women
• Heated Debate To Name Ohio's Official State Protozoan
• Upgrade Improves Application, Users Stunned
• NPR's Bob Edwards Repossessed For Non-Payment
• Atheist Excommunicated From American Atheists Organization
• White House OK's "Log Til' You Drop" Logging Rules
• Pooh Bear Faces Eviction, Sanders Family Claims House
• Bin Laden Betrayed, Increased Reward Cited
• Dean Banned From 'President Forever' Over Exclamation Point Abuse
• Shell Admits "Oil Reserves" Are Actually "Ham Slurry"
• French Health Experts Encourage Americans To Eat Big Macs
• Pentagon Develops Contingency Plan For Spanish Pull-Out
• Science Teacher Discovers Stupid Question
• Sedna Lobbying For Planet Status
• Pavarotti Leaving Opera For Hip-Hop
• Same Sects Marriages Come Under Fire
• Pay-Per-View: "Last Man Standing" Battle For Control Of South Korea
• FDA: Fat Is A Drug
• Kerry Supporters Tensely Await Florida Recount
• Britain Backpedals On "Frankenfood", Now Supports GM Corn
• Agriculture Department Orders Slaughter Of All Birds
• Music Industry Rocked By Crosby Drug Possession Charges
• Media, Technology Sectors Search For New Recording Medium
• Iraqis Delay Signing Of Interim Constitution
• Sharpton: "Don't Count Me Out Yet"
• NASA Determines Why Mars Is No Longer Wet
• IBM Introduces "Big Mini" Mainframe-Based Laptop
• Firing-Squad Execution Foiled By Blanks Prank
• Stewart: Fraud Charges Dropped, Jay-Walking Charge Stands
• North Korea Promises: "We Really Mean It This Time"
• NTSB Warns Of Possible "Tubby Terrorists"
• Howard Stern Retaliates: Refuses To Watch Clear Channel Stations
• White House Clarifies "No Child Left Behind" Act
• Repossessed Comanche Helicopters For Sale On eBay
• Mensa Mistakenly Makes Moron Member
• "Gray Marriage" Debated
• Bush Offers To Help Fund Nader Campaign
• Corrections
• Microsoft Releases "Sinbol" Font
• Powell: Haiti "Unattractive" As Invasion Target
• Wisconsin Online Voting Records Six Million Votes
• Bush Declares Daytona 500 'Accomplished' At 200 Miles
• VH1 Cancels Dismal "I Love The 1880's"
• Pakistani Chef Comes Clean In Kastoori Case
• Gillette Raises Shaving Stakes With "Duodecetrix"
• Polaroid Shows Bush Flying In Alabama In '72
• Comcast Proposes To Buy Walt Disney
• Blockbuster's Radical "Pay Per Day" Plan
• Madonna Site Hacked, Does Not Endorse Clark
• CDC Tracking "Nerd Flu" Outbreak
• Shock, Awe, At Lack Of "Shock And Awe" References
• Peter Jackson Distances Himself From Michael, Janet
• Study: Traffic Reports Are Often Wrong, Fictitious
• Smith Caught Up In Lieberman Insider-Trading Scandal
• U.S., British WMD Probe Cite Each Other's Bad Intelligence
• Riot In Punxsutawney!
• Yee Wants Moon Base Feng Shui Compliant
• Asterisks Banned In Advertising, Marketing
• Neanderthals Weren't Human; Probably Martian
• Dean Replaces Self With Bush Look-Alike
• White Stripes Release Single On Gramophone Foil
• O'Neil, Powell, Kay: "Saddam's Just Misunderstood"
• Iraqis Hear Dean Scream, Demand Return To Dictatorship
• Brazilian Pilot Detained, Execution Scheduled
• RIAA Claims Responsibility For Spirit Rover Silence
• Pentagon Defends Internet Voting
• Bush Announces "Free Moon Trip" Job-Training Program
• Bagel Virus Spreads "Oy Vey" Throughout New York
• Fake-Fur Protest Turns Ugly
• The Dollar Is Down, Says Psychiatrist
• 65 Million Dollar Lottery Check Bounces
• Mars Rover Opportunity Drops Presidential Bid, Endorses Dean
• 125th Most Wanted Iraqi Captured
• ENIAC Announces Extended Support For Windows 48
• Bush Chastises Schools: "They're Leaving Money On The Table"
• Next Cat In The Hat Movie To Be Rated R
• Iraq's Weapons Of Mass Destruction Located
• SARS Virus Traced To Hacker In Thailand
• Street Mimes Join The Fight Against Terrorism In Project MOBAD
• Beagle 2 Lander Found Lodged In Space Station
• Clark Reveals Controversial "First Families Tax Reform" Plan
• Lieberman Slams Dean Over Iowa Snow Storm
• Britney Spears Shocker: Marries 40-Something Seinfeld Star Jason Alexander
• U.S. Flight To Mars Cancelled On "Specific Intelligence"
• Bling-Bling Futures Trading Market Set To Open February 2004
• RJ Reynolds Behind Push To Ban Ephedra
• Bin Laden Captured, Mauled By Princess Anne's Bull Terrier
• Scientists Determine The Universe Is Beige, Tastes Like Chicken
• In Crete, January Is National Minotaur Month
• U.S. Blames Canada For Mad Cow, August Blackout, Civil War
• National Guard Laptop Refuses To Install Anti-Virus Software
• Fox Invents Time Machine, Creates "Spoiler" Previews For Live Events
• Gadhaffi Contracts Mad Kowtow Disease
• .CON Domain Approved For Exclusive Use By Scam Sites
• Terror Alert Level Moves From Umber To Ochre
• Of Dice And Men: The "Axis Of Civil"
• Study Suggests Dogs Do Know It's Not Bacon
• Martian Defense Council Destroys Beagle 2, Claims Responsibility For Climate Orbiter
• Clark: "I Could Have Captured Osama bin Laden Myself With Both Hands Tied Behind My Back!"
• Firm Cracking Down On Non-Smoking Workers Taking "Smoke Breaks"
• FDA Announces HoKey Rating System For Health Supplements
• Toidi, Diputs, Latest Offerings From Evian
• Saddam Signs Book Deal: "Hiding In Iraq On $500,000 A Day"
• Smallest Prime Number Discovered, Soon After Largest
• Halliburton Defends Charging $73.28 For Snickers Bars
• Gore Endorses Handspring Treo As Personal Communication Device
• Microsoft Introduces MS-Nation: Nation-Building Office Add-In
• Saddam Files Friend Of The Court Brief, Supports Milosevic
• ORK FROM HOME Program Investigated
• FOX Introduces Kindergarten Go Fish Showdown
• Tough New Federal Law Restricts On-Hold Messages, Music
• "Finding Neon" - Californians Flush GloFish To Protest Ban
• Another "Saddam Hussein" Captured
• Ozone Layer Outraged Over Kyoto Protocol
• Japan Begins "Space Tourist" Program
• Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf Declares Bush Was Never In Iraq
• China Attempts To Sell Taiwan On eBay
• U.S. Offers "Good Neighbor Exchange" For Concorde
• National 35 MPH Speed Limit Decried By AAA
• NBC Tries ER/Reality Crossover: Amateur Surgery
• Maxaroni, Betty Spaghetty Announce Breakup
• Huge Hepatitis Outbreak Linked To The Eschalot
• Dr. Seuss Character Admits: "I Still Don't Like That Sam-I-Am"
• Sell The Prisoners Knives To Curb Prison Violence
• Prosecutors Applaud First DNA Evidence Clone Conviction
• Blue's Clues Cries Foul Over Proposed "Lou's Clues"
• Ross Perot: "Put The Homeless To Work In Politics"
• PAUTT Plans Boycott of WKRP In Cincinnati
• McDonald's Sues American Heritage Over "McGirlfriend"
• Researcher: Depression Can Be Treated With Jean Therapy
• Volatile Situation On ISS Defused By NASA
• Arrest Warrants Issued For 140 Million Americans
• Bush Lawyers Draft New "Mission Accomplished" Banner
• CDC Warns Against Starring In A Medical Drama
• Bremer's "Lotto Plan" For Iraq Aid Under Scrutiny
• U.S. Offers $10 Bounty On Anthony Bumkowiqcz
• AAPCC Announces "Don't Drink Poison Week"
• Airline Appoints Magic 8-Ball CEO
• Man Smuggles ICBM Onto Airline To Show It Can Be Done
• Edge Lender's "Indentured Servant(r)" Program Criticized
• Digit Reveals: Numbers DO Lie
• Prisoner Sues To Get "Species Change"
• Network Tries "Random Scheduling" To Boost Ratings
• Controversial New Diet Plan Criticized
• U.S. Mint Scraps New $20 Bill, Counterfeiters Plan Lawsuit
• Saint Kitts And Nevis Pledges $712 In Iraqi Aid
• Anti-Spam(tm) Bill Defeated In Senate
• The Bentinel Obtains VeriSign SiteFinder(tm) Surveys
• Astronaut Survives Leap From Space Station
• Straw Poll Shows Dean Over Kerry In New Hampshire
• Mobile-rola Increases "Collateral Annoyance" With Smellphone
• 120 Cruises Sickened By Mysterious Virus
• Coach, Athletes, Investigated For Being "High On Life"
• Riot Erupts Over Cancellation Of Symphony
• Supreme Court Accepts Case: Is The Constitution Constitutional?
• Double-Deaths Ruled "Murder-Suicide"
• 70,000 Pan-Handlers Announce Strike
• Boss And Office Sycophant Separation Surgery Successful
• Church Appoints Openly Mob-Connected Priest
• Athlete Denies Chivalrous Act
• Bugs Discovered In Mayor's Offices
• Liberty Bell Leaves Pavilion Over "Cracked" Comments
• A Link Between Hearing And Attractiveness
• First Lady Apologizes For "Attack" On Christina Aguilera
• Nobel Prize Hopeful Is "Shocked, Hurt"
• West Nile Virus Sues Anti-Virus Companies Over The Word "Virus"
• OAL Announces It Is Dropping Its Name Altogether
• Iran To UN - Stop USA's "Killer Robot" Program
• "General Sue": Brian Tso Attacks Internet Recipe-Sharing
• Web Standards Group Approves New <SLAP> Tag
• Consumer's Wallets Fatten With Ten-Cent Gas Price Plummet
• Tropical Storm Denied Upgrade To Hurricane 'Disappointed'
• President Requests "A Zillion Dollars"
• Sanctions Lifted Against Texas Village; "Mistaken Identity"
• Veryphine Says Canceling Much-Maligned, New Service Would Be "Premature"
• Do-Not-Visit List Suffers Setback, Harry: "I'm Just Friendly!"
• Religious Tribunal Reverses Ruling, Will Not Impose "Nose In The Book Penalty"
• Entire Theory Of DNA Brought Into Question
• Bomber Released On Shoe Technicality
• Mr. Ed For Governor? Of Course!
• Church Sex-Scandal Settled For Poultry and Pontiac
• Estonia Reveals Secret Space Program, Pentagon Assessing Threat