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Bending the truth to fit the facts!
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Frequently Asked Questions

Over the years, we’ve been asked many questions about all aspects of our site, the world around us, and even about our personal lives. We’ve generally refrained from answering the "world" one’s, and we have a strict rule about answering personal questions, so that leaves us mostly with questions about our site. We’ve ordered them by the frequency of their being asked, so hopefully the poser that’s currently on your mind is addressed early in the list.

  • Q) What happened to The Eschalot?

  • A) As some of you who have been with us since our debut in 1903 may recall, the original name of this web site was The Eschalot. This is a name we bore proudly, bringing mild but tasty layers of intelligent satire to you and your family for decades. However, some time in the late 1990's, a few upstarts came along -- ThePotato, TheCarrot, and many others -- bringing their profanity, vulgarity, and other nonsense with them. At first we decided to stand firm, despite any 'guilt by association' we may receive from our similarly vegetable-inspired name. However we have decided that it is no longer appropriate to remain in association with this league, and so we have taken on a new name. We hope that as The Bentinel, we can stand as a sentry against the straight truth, providing the needed twist to make the news palatable.

  • Q) Is it just a coincidence that I haven’t run across any profanity on this site yet?

  • A) Our profanity supplier presented us with an unreasonable price increase, so we terminated our relationship with them. When we went back into the market, though, we found that it was actually a pretty good deal. Unfortunately, that supplier will no longer serve our company, so we are left with no profanity on our site at all. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.

  • Q) What IS all this stuff?

  • A) These are the results of many years of infinite-monkey research. Originally we used an infinite number of monkeys, but we found out we could get by with half that number. The real job isn’t so much getting the monkeys to type, but reviewing the work for value. We reject much more than we accept.

  • Q) How long have you been doing this?

  • A) Our company has been in the business of producing news parody on the internet since 1903, when our founder first recognized the value of making witty comments about current events and emailing them to his friends and family. Tradition forbids us from mentioning his name, but we're sure you've figured it out by now.

  • Q) What is your return policy?

  • A) If we don't like it, we return it. Sometimes we even return stuff we like because it turns out we needed the money. (Our advice: Always keep your receipts.)

  • Q) What languages is The Bentinel available in?

  • A) English and Egyptian hieroglyphs

  • Q) Are you more left-leaning, or more right-leaning? And don’t give me any of that "unbiased coverage" malarkey.

  • A) It really depends on the floor. In some areas of the earth, gravity doesn’t pull straight down. In those areas, gravity also is a factor in our leaning. Mostly it’s whatever makes us look the coolest at the moment. (Various kinds of "malarkey" can be enabled/disabled in our "Preferences" section. [You have to have cookies enabled to use "Preferences".{We’d explain how to do that, but we’re out of parenthetical symbols.}])

  • Q) If I submit a question over and over, using different email addresses, will it rise in the FAQ ranking? Could I advertise that way?

  • A) Yes, we’re fairly stupid. Chances are good that would blow right by us.

  • Q) I thought you weren’t going to use the letter "E', but I see it all over your site. It’s even in your name. Three times!

  • A) You’re thinking of "Gatsby".

  • Q) Can I send in submissions for your site?

  • A) Sure! We accept cash or checks. We used to accept credit cards and then sell the numbers to a guy that stands on the corner up the street from our building, but it turns out that’s illegal.

  • Q) No, I meant, can I send you stories to publish on your site?

  • A) Oh, sorry for the confusion. We understand now.

  • Q) Well, can I send you stuff?

  • A) Sure, we accept cash or checks. Or gifts expressing your love for us, provided they are easily pawnable or have high resale value. (Not that we’d ever part with any of the lovely things our readers have sent us over the years.)

  • Q) Ok, one more time. Do you accept submissions of articles to publish on your web site?

  • A) You’re just not getting it, are you?

  • Q) I know you’re not, but what am I?

  • A) Well, we’re outta time. Thanks for reading. Good night, Everybody!

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